Negging: Do Women Really Like Guys Who Treat Them Like Crap?
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A few years back, Neil Strauss published a book entitled The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. The book chronicles Strauss’ journey from “chick repellant” to a master of seduction, a feat he accomplished by hiring a very expensive pickup “expert” to teach him the tricks of the trade. Among the things he learned was a technique known as “negging,” which essentially involves belittling a woman upon meeting her. The idea is that by lowering her self-esteem through a mild insult, she will be more easily seduced. In other words, if you can undermine her confidence, she’ll be more likely to settle for you instead of holding out for a better guy.
Not only do a number of men employ this technique while prowling for hook-ups, but some also practice it in their everyday relationships to keep their partners from leaving. As some evidence of this, research shows that the men who hurl the most insults at their partners also engage in the most “mate retention” behaviors, actions designed to make sure their partner stays in the relationship.1 It is interesting to note that the men who do this tend to have low “mate value,” meaning that guys who are less desirable in general (e.g., perhaps because they are poor or unattractive) are the most likely to verbally attack their partners as a way of getting them to stick around.2
So does negging work? Can it actually help you to both find and keep a romantic or sexual partner? Perhaps, but it’s unlikely (especially if you’re looking to establish a long-term relationship). A large body of research indicates that women are far more attracted to people who make them feel good than people who make them feel bad. Who knew? In fact, when women rank-order their ideal characteristics in a partner, “kindness and compassion” is their second most desired trait!3 Believe it or not, “treats me like garbage” does not make the list. It is also useful to note that at the end of The Game, Strauss reports that his pickup techniques failed when he eventually went looking for love.
To sum up, although some guys may find short-term success with negging, it seems doubtful that putting someone down could ever form the basis of a successful, long-term relationship.
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1McKibbin, W. F., Goetz, A. T., Shackelford, T. K., Schipper., L. D., Starratt, V. G., & Stewart-Williams, S. (2007). Why do men insult their intimate partners? Personality and Individual Differences, 43, 231-241.
2Miner, E. J., Shackelford, T. K., & Starratt, V. G. (2009). Mate value of romantic partners predicts men’s partner-directed verbal insults. Personality and Individual Differences, 46, 135-149.
3Regan, P. C., & Bercheid, E. (1997). Gender differences in characteristics desired in a potential sexual and marriage partner. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 9, 25-37.
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Dr. Lehmiller's research program focuses on how secrecy and stigmatization impact relationship quality and physical and psychological health. He also conducts research on commitment, sexuality, and safer-sex practices.
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Reader Comments (7)
you cannot say it would not work based solely on research that looks at "expressed needs" and not at field based actual "unexpressed desires" which explain real-world actions.
Negging works exactly because woman rate that kindness first. it shows initial detachment and non-neediness, doing something that is the opposite of what a woman expect from a suitor. in that regard, its like a Peacock tail.
You are correct that negging is certainly the opposite of what most women expect and, therefore, is likely to capture their attention. However, what captures someone's attention is not the same as what captures someone's heart. Research has repeatedly shown that both men and women want a partner who is kind and who makes them feel good. There is also a lot of research showing that reciprocity (i.e., when one partner does something nice, the other does something nice in return) is a key factor in attraction and relationship success. As a result, I stand by my statement that insults are unlikely to help you find a partner, especially if you're looking for a long term relationship.
I know some guys who swear by negging, though, and I don't dispute that it may work for some of them at least some of the time. As a general rule, however, I don't think it tends to be as successful as more conventional pickup techniques. For example, there was a BBC series examining this idea a few years back titled "Secrets of the Sexes" (you can see a segment of the program here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIFxLLjjNoo). They conducted a speed-dating session and had a few guys in the mix who tried negging, but were highly unsuccessful (combined, these guys had only one offer for a real date after going through 60 speed-date encounters!). Thus, I'm not claiming that negging NEVER works--I'm just not aware of any scientific evidence that it's truly a successful technique or that it even comes close to the success of more traditional methods.
Whoa now -- apples 'n oranges. You describe your "large body of research" as "when women rank-order"? Is that it? I've heard it asked somewhere "what do women want?" As if they really know? And they're just gonna tell you? Haha! This makes me wonder why you attempt to 'neg' the real-world findings of so many, and resort to questionnaires to set the record straight. Agenda, much?
There's a BIG BIG difference between what women *say* they want, and what they actually respond to. (Read that again!) An occasional 'neg' serves to reset the accumulated narcissism that leads to a woman's got-her-man syndrome. The got-her-man invites habituation and lowest common denominator sex. So 'queen for a day' is good some days, but not everyday. Nobody is that hot! And if she thinks she is, and he cooperates, just watch her libido needle drop. Guaranteed. Then she'll buy/express the rational that "sex isn't that important, there's more to a relationship than sex." Until he finds another sex partner then sex is front row & center. Or she'll just somehow find that she's "not happy" or that "this relationship isn't going anywhere."
This dynamic is a result of that ill-fitting adaptation to civilization we call monogamy. Whole 'nuther story there, but it's the absolute truth. (see "Sex At Dawn", Ryan and Jetha, 2010)
In defense of the article, nobody arguing against it has provided any support besides speculation and hypothetical examples. Not even an anecdote to be found. Not even an "I tried this and it worked." So I've got to say, guys, no matter how much you want it to be true, reality does not take your preferences into account.
The key rebuttal to "Negging doesn't work" seems to be "Women don't want a guy who is a pushover." Granted, but does it really support what you're trying to claim? If you don't want to be a pushover, try being secure, confident, and assertive. Those are attractive qualities that are actually provably effective in displaying high mate value, and you know what? The only way "negging" works is when your target is confused enough to believe those are the qualities you're displaying.
1. I do not neg. I think it is immoral and it is certainly not the way I wish to be treated.
2. However.....
I am 39, and have seen numerous examples in my life of beautiful, smart women who are with men who treat them like crap. The men belittle them, ignore them, are callous and uncaring, and the woman stays with him like he is king of the universe.
So, negging, while repulsive, does work. There are far too many times when my friends and I wonder "why is she with that douchebag?"
Really, I expected a lot more from a website called "Science Of Relationships". Firstly, Strauss says to only using negging on the best looking women, and even then only occasionally and never on less good-looking women. Secondly, what women say and what women do are TOTALLY different realms, so when you say "women rank-order their ideal characteristics in a partner", that really has no value in this discussion - you have to look at what they actually DO in reality. Finally, you have to differentiate between picking up women and creating strong long term relationships. All any pickup artist is going to do for you is open the door, after that the rest is up to you. For many "nice guys", opening the door is the hard part - once given a chance they tend to do very well within relationships. I would strongly support the hypothesis that negging has a part to play in the early pickup stages of dating, especially with better looking women.
Our take (as admins of the site, and not the author of this piece) is that there isn't any scientific evidence that negging works, although there are some results that would indicate it doesn't. When there's solid empirical (NOT anecdotal) evidence showing that it's effective, we'll be sure to run a story on it. But until then, from a scientific perspective there's no justification for saying that negging works. As Tom Cruise's character in Jerry Maguire would say, "show me the data...SHOW ME THE DATA!"