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Feb232015

Expressing Your Insecurities to Your Partner Can Actually Create More Insecurities. Here’s Why.

Insecurities: we’ve all got a few. They’re those intrusive thoughts people have about mistakes they might have made, flaws they might have, and negative opinions that others might have about them. Insecurities can be frustratingly persistent, and they can really interfere with close relationships1,2 (“You looked at that girl, I saw you looking!”). It’s not realistic to expect people to simply ignore these insecurities. So the question becomes: what is the healthiest way to deal with these nagging thoughts and feelings?

One seemingly obvious solution might be to reveal your insecurities to someone you’re close to—such as a friend or a romantic partner—so that this person could help you to feel better. However, recent research has revealed a way that this approach can sometimes fail to work, and can even backfire.3

Basically, revealing insecurities to other people has the potential to generate a whole new kind of insecurity: the concern that these individuals perceive you to be an insecure person. For example, say I’m worried that I gave a boring lecture for my relationships class, and so I decide to disclose this to my good friend and fellow relationships researcher, Bonnie Le. Being the responsive friend she is, Bonnie would of course respond by saying reassuring things (“You rocked that lecture, Sam!”). But after doing this a few times, I might start to think, “Wow, I’ve been acting pretty insecure around Bonnie lately. She probably thinks I’m an emotionally fragile individual who desperately needs approval and can’t handle criticism or rejection.” Unfortunately, those concerns are going to make me doubt every nice thing Bonnie says to me from then on. I’ll think that she’s just “walking on eggshells” around me, trying to spare my ego, and not telling me what she really feels. Her encouraging words will be less likely to make me feel good about myself because I’ll dismiss them as being insincere. So, paradoxically, showing my friend that I feel insecure has just made the problem worse.

When it Comes to Expressing Insecurities, Passive Aggressiveness Counts, Too

Dr. Edward Lemay and Dr. Margaret Clark have laid out an elegant model for how this unfortunate cycle unfolds. First, the researchers propose that a person doesn’t have to directly express their insecurities in order for the cycle to be set in motion. There are lots of indirect ways people broadcast that they’re feeling vulnerable. For example, say that right around the time I’m beating myself up about my boring lecture, my husband James makes an innocuous comment about his work colleague giving a fantastic presentation. Even without directly admitting that this comment has made me feel bad about myself, I could lash out in other ways. I might wind up criticizing James, storming off in a huff, sulking in my bedroom, or generally acting distant or bothered. At a later point when I’ve gotten a grip on my insecurity, I would of course look back on this behavior with embarrassment, realizing that my reaction was out of proportion and unfair to James. It’s at this point that I would start to worry: how did my behavior in this instance affect James’s perception of me? (“He must think that he really has to watch what he says around me…”). And so, although I never actually admitted to James that I was feeling insecure, the cycle of insecurity would be perpetuated nevertheless.

Like Other Insecurities, These “Meta” Insecurities can be Totally Inaccurate

The researchers further posit that these worries about other people’s perceptions are likely to be way off-base. Research shows that we tend to believe that other people pay more attention to our own behaviors and emotions than they actually do.3 It’s a classic perspective-taking fail: we think that whatever is really salient to us at the moment is also what’s salient to others, and we ignore the possibility that other people are focused on completely different things. So while I’m off sulking about that lecture, I may believe that James is acutely aware of what I’m thinking and feeling. Meanwhile, he may have failed to notice my reaction to his comment altogether, and may instead be wondering if his work colleague received that g-chat message about tomorrow’s meeting. In this case, any worries that I have about James’s perceptions of me are totally unfounded, because he isn’t currently observing my behavior at all, let alone observing my behavior in a negative light. Furthermore, even when our social blunders are noticed by other people, they tend not to affect other people’s opinions of us nearly as much as we think they do.4 Even if James notices that I’m in a bad mood, he would probably infer that I’m just having a bad day, instead of inferring that I’m a chronically insecure person. Therefore, although I’m left with this unfortunate meta-perception (I perceive that my partner perceives that I’m an insecure person), that meta-perception is likely inaccurate.

Even Secure People Have Insecurities

Finally, the researchers propose that this pattern of insecurity could happen to anyone. Even if you’re generally a secure person, feeling temporarily insecure could trigger this chain of events. By expressing your insecurities to a close friend or a romantic partner, you may subsequently worry that this person thinks of you as an insecure person, which could then lead you to doubt the nice things they tell you.

 

How Do We Know All This? The Science

The researchers tested this model across six studies. Altogether, they found strong support for each component of the model. For example, in one study, the researchers asked people to think of someone important to them -- either a romantic partner or a close friend. Participants rated how often they expressed vulnerabilities to this person (e.g., “I often ask this person how he/she truly feels about me”, “I have frequently expressed hurt or angry feelings toward this person”), as well as how much they believed this person viewed them as insecure (e.g., “This person views me as vulnerable and easily hurt”). Finally, participants rated how much they doubted the authenticity of their partner’s kind words and reassurances (e.g., “This person censors his/her thoughts and feelings in order to avoid hurting my feelings”; “This person often says things he/she doesn’t mean in order to make me feel good”). Results showed that when people believed that they expressed a lot of insecurities to their partner, they tended to also believe that their partner viewed them as vulnerable and insecure, which in turn led them to doubt their partner’s authenticity.

In another study, participants again rated how much they doubted the authenticity of their partner’s reassurances (e.g., “This person often says things he/she doesn’t mean in order to make me feel good”), as well as how negatively they thought their partners viewed them (e.g., “This person thinks I have a number of significant flaws”). The more that participants believed their partners “walked on eggshells” around them, the more rejected they felt by their partners.

Most impressively, the researchers conducted a longitudinal study with dyads (pairs of people) to see what happens to people’s perceptions over time, and to see how they stack up to reality. In this study, 38 dyads—mostly pairs of platonic friends, but also a few romantic couples—completed the measures described above, twice, five months apart. For example, if Bonnie and I were participating in this study, I would rate how many vulnerabilities I express to Bonnie, how much I think Bonnie sees me as an insecure person, and how much I doubt Bonnie’s authenticity when she says nice things to me. I would also rate my care and regard for Bonnie, and perceptions of how much Bonnie cares about me, Bonnie would rate the same measures about me. Then, five months later, we would both complete these same measures a second time.

By surveying both members of each pair, the researchers were able to examine how accurate people’s perceptions actually were about how their friends or partners viewed them. Furthermore, by surveying each pair of individuals twice over a five-month period, the researchers were better able to examine causal direction: what leads to changes in what? Again, the researchers found strong support for their model: People who expressed more vulnerabilities to their friend/partner tended to believe that this person saw them as insecure, which in turn led them to doubt that person’s authenticity, which in turn led them to believe that this person viewed them more negatively. 

Over time, this belief that the person viewed them more negatively led the person to express even more vulnerabilities, and thus the whole cycle would continue to worsen over time. Furthermore, these effects occurred independently from the friends’ partners’ views. According to these results, if I express my insecurities to Bonnie, I am likely to subsequently believe that Bonnie perceives me to be insecure regardless of her actual perceptions of me. Similarly, my belief that Bonnie perceives me as insecure will lead me to doubt Bonnie’s authenticity regardless of how authentic she actually is. And, in all of the studies, these effects emerged above and beyond self-esteem, suggesting that all of this occurs relatively independently from chronic insecurities.

So Where Do We Go From Here?

Overall, this paper presents a useful explanation for how feelings of insecurity can be perpetuated over time, especially in the context of close relationships. Revealing your insecurities to a person you care about—for example, by seeking reassurance from them, or by taking the insecurities out on them—may lead you to doubt the reassurance that the person provides, thus making the insecurities worse. That said, suppressing insecurities may not be very healthy either, as the researchers discuss at the end of the paper. So how do you go about dealing with insecurities in a healthy way?

Maybe, rather than trying to change how we express our insecurities to close others, we should instead try to change our perceptions of how those close others are reacting to our insecurities. If you believe that someone sees you as insecure or that they’re walking on eggshells around you, those beliefs are more likely a projection of your own feelings than they are an accurate assessment of how the person feels. You are far more aware of your own insecurities than anyone else is. In fact, research shows that it’s precisely when you’re feeling the most insecure that you’re most likely to underestimate how much the close people in your life care about you and how positively they feel about you. So, the next time a close friend or a romantic partner tells you something complimentary, try taking it at face value. In all likelihood they do mean it, or they wouldn’t be saying it.

Finally, another strategy would be to take the less positive things close others say and do as evidence of their authenticity. Think about it: if your friend is highly concerned about tiptoeing around your feelings, why would they ever say or do anything inconsiderate? So the next time your friend forgets to call you back, or your partner acts grouchy around you, take it as a sign that you really are seeing the real them, warts and all. Because if you’re willing to accept that your close others’ slip-ups are authentic, then you should be willing to accept that their love, their compliments, and their all-around positive feelings toward you are authentic as well.

Interested in learning more about relationships? Click here for other topics on Science of Relationships. Like us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter to get our articles delivered directly to your NewsFeed. Learn more about our book and download it here.

1Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., Griffin, D. W., Bellavia, G., & Rose, P. (2001). The mismeasure of love: How self-doubt contaminates relationship beliefs. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27, 423-436.

2Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., MacDonald, G., & Ellsworth, P. C. (1998). Through the looking glass darkly? When self-doubts turn into relationship insecurities. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, 1459-1480.

3Lemay, E. P., & Clark, M. S. (2008). “Walking on eggshells”: How expressing relationship insecurities perpetuates them. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95, 420-441.

4Gilovich, T., & Savitsky, K. (1999). The spotlight effect and the illusion of transparency: Egocentric assessments of how we are seen by others. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 8, 165-168.

Samantha Joel - Science of Relationships articles
Samantha's research examines how people make decisions about their romantic relationships. For example, what sort of factors do people take into consideration when they try to decide whether to pursue a potential date, invest in a new relationship, or break up with a romantic partner?

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Reader Comments (3)

I'm an insecure person that has done that: sharing all my insecurities with my significant other. I have questioned her love for me from the beginning. There is a so powerful feeling inside me that can't actually let me believe that someone could actually love me with all of my insecurities.
I truly believe I have overshared them, generating a really negative image of myself, creating drama by expressing them every time something happened that tickled those insecurities.
I have "asphyxiated" my gf with this constant doubts about her feelings and endless conversations to make her understand that they were legit feelings, somehow to feel less embarrassed about my self, trying her to tell me that it's ok or that I'm a valuable person above all.
I've made her feel so uncomfortable around me that she feels she has to control everything she wants to say or share not to make me feel bad.

At this point I really feel trapped in my own net and don't know how to end with that pattern to get back to a point where she can feel free and relaxed and I can feel she has a good opinion of me.
Is there a way?

Thanks so much.

August 23, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterPepe

I don't know if what I do counts. Usually when I'm feeling particularly insecure about something I explain to my boyfriend that I'm worrying and feeling insecure. I don't ask for reassurance and I don't have much opportunity to lash out at him. I just talk it through with him, I tell him that I know he's wonderful, but that I'm scared and have trouble trusting after my first relationship and after my mother had an emotional affair and then explained to my 12 year old self that my father was having an affair that she couldn't prove. These rants lasted a long time, and they were offered often, and have persisted into adulthood. The thing is, even after explaining all this it still breaks my boyfriend's heart that I have trouble trusting him, but I honestly have no other solutions to offer. I know communication is key, and I ant him to know what emotional page I'm on, and talking things through clearly helps me through it and gets me back to the present, and to thinking in a rational manner. Should I not communicate these things and keep them to myself?

February 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAnon

I'm not much of an insecure person, but very rarely it happens. I think my gf really appreciates when I have an insecurity because she gets to learn about me emotionally and I'm not much of a talker about that stuff. I appreciate when she opens up to me about it and everything also.

May 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJosh Nayoung
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