“Me” and “You” and “Us”: I’m Confused

Can couple members be so close to one another that their individual identities merge into one? We might think of couples, like “TomKat” (Tom Cruise + Katie Holmes) and “Beyon-Z” (Beyonce + Jay-Z…yep, you heard that one here first), as a single unit, but do they think about themselves that way? 

They do if they’re committed to their relationships. More committed people think of themselves as being a part of a single unit that includes their partners.

Click to read more ...

Self-Other Overlap in Long-Distance Relationships

From ilovecharts.com.

Do Birth Control Pills Really Lead to Bad Sex?

Most women know all too well that being on birth control means having to put up with a few side effects, including potential weight gain, nausea, and mood changes. However, fewer women are probably aware of the fact that the pill might also be affecting their sex lives. For instance, research suggests that the pill may alter the types of guys women find attractive. Perhaps even more important, some recent media reports have claimed that women on the pill are doomed to a lifetime of bad sex. Could this really be true? Is the pill putting a damper on women’s sexual fulfillment?

Click to read more ...

Ambush Dating: Unraveling the Mystery that All Started with a Big Bang!

If you’re familiar with The Big Bang Theory, you’ve probably found yourself pondering the attraction between Leonard and Penny. Seriously, how did a geeky scientist and a Cheesecake Factory hottie ever find themselves together? For a show focused on evolutionary principles, their union always brings to my mind the lyrics, “Is she really going out with him?” or at least leads me to anticipate one of Sheldon’s well-timed, sarcastic taunts of “Bazinga!” My personal explanation for this love anomaly…the Ambush Date!

Click to read more ...

The Birds and The Bees: As Early as Age 3?

Whenever I teach my Psychology of Adolescence class, I have at least one student ask me when parents should have “the talk” with their children. Many of these students lament that their parents never talked with them about sexuality; others anticipate having their own children and want to know what research suggests they do. I always preface my research-based advice by noting that my own children are young (currently 4 and 6) and (hopefully) many years from being sexually active. As any parent knows, it is far easier to give advice to others about how to parent children then it is to actually parent their own. And yet, the data on this topic is clear and my research-based opinions are strong, so I proceed with advice.

Click to read more ...

“Breaking Up is Like Knocking Over a Coke Machine”

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

-Jerry Seinfeld (to Elaine, regarding her relationship with Puddy)

Most research on relationship stability considers breakup to be a finite state or endpoint: a relationship is either over or it’s not; there is no middle ground. As you might have experienced, however, breakup can often be a process in which some couples get back together and then breakup again (press Alt+Ctl+Del to reboot and do it all again...and again).

Click to read more ...

What Sex Can Do For Neuroticism

In a previous post, I discussed the health benefits of sex, and now, new research suggests that combating the negative consequences of neuroticism can be added to the list.

As far as partner’s personalities go, neuroticism, or the tendency to experience negative emotional states such as anxiety and depressed mood, has the strongest impact on romantic relationship quality. People who are higher in neuroticism tend to be less satisfied in their relationships, and as you’d expect, so are their partners.

Click to read more ...

Posters for Nerds in Love

Admittedly, we've been called "relationship geeks" on multiple occasions. If you're like us, you might dig these posters for "nerds in love".

What We're Reading

Can't get enough relationship science? If you've made it through SofR's archive of articles and still want more, here are some of our favorite websites that focus on relationship research:

• SexyPsych by Dr. Justin Lehmiller
• Where Is This Going? by Melissa Haines, LMSW
• Sliding vs Deciding by Dr. Scott Stanley
• The Relationship Scientist by Dr. David Sbarra
• Dollars and Sex by Prof. Marina Adshade

When the Troops Come Home

Troops’ reunions with loved ones evoke iconic images and powerful emotions. A study examined how service members’ returns from deployment influence their relationships. Data from over 200 military personnel revealed that those with more depression reported lower relationship satisfaction. This link resulted from increased uncertainty about the relationship’s future and greater perceived partner interference of everyday plans or career goals. Interestingly, service members’ dissatisfaction was heightened when they had been home from deployment longer.  

Knobloch, L. K., & Theiss, J. A. (2011). Depressive symptoms and mechanisms of relational turbulence as predictors of relationship satisfaction among returning service members. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(4), 470-478. doi:10.1037/a0024063

A Cold Embrace: “Twilight” and Relationship Violence

In the past decade, the rise in popularity of vampire-themed books and movies for young adults has risen dramatically. While superficially vampires make for some good nail-biting fun in the Halloween season, they can send some unfortunate messages to the young people who love them. In this article, I argue that the popular Twilight series can be used to highlight patterns of behavior that put individuals at risk for abuse in dating relationships.

Click to read more ...

I Always Thought I Was Straight, But Now I’m Not So Sure: Can Our Sexual Desires Change?

Confused and Heartbroken asked the following:

I am a very straight 20 year old girl. I have only dated men until earlier this year. One of my very close friends last spring told me she was bi-sexual. We had become very close already and had developed a very strong friendship. After she came out to me I realized my feelings intensified and after admitting it to her we ended up in a very heated moment and kissed. Things were wonderful for about two weeks when she basically abandoned me and our friendship.

That was the last week of April and the first week of May of this year. We were apart for the summer with very limited communication and I ended up starting to date a very good friend of mine from my hometown. Things are going wonderfully with him but since I've come back to school and been around her I've been lonely and missing her more and more. We've talked and I've finally managed to get some answers to my questions but I'm still in love with her. I don't understand or know why I am attracted to her because I've never found myself attracted to women before and I certainly don't know why I'm still so attached.

Please help me. :(

Sincerely, 
Confused and Heartbroken

Dear Confused and Heartbroken,

Click to read more ...

The Politics of Love

When looking for partners, we are attracted to others who are similar to us. Whether the similarity lies in personality, values, or political views, individuals tend to seek those with ideals comparable to their own. However, in a recent survey of college students, the majority indicated they’d be willing to date someone with a political affiliation different than their own.

Click to read more ...

Hey Ladies!: The Benefits of Being a Mover (and Shaker)

Ladies, consider the following setting: It’s a Friday night. The place is buzzing. Across the room, a handsome stranger has caught your eye. You want to attract his attention, but how? If one were to follow traditional protocol, you would bat your eyelashes, flash a well-toned calf, sit and wait, hoping he will somehow get the message and make the journey across the room. However, it is 2011. Surely, sitting and waiting is not the only way for a woman to make contact with a man.

Click to read more ...

Happiness vs. Time in Relationships

From easiersaid.net.

The Economics of Evolution: Mating and Loss Aversion

Douglas Kenrick, Steven Neuberg, and Yexin Jessica Li discuss their recent research on how evolutionary motives such as mating and self-protection influence individuals' sensitivity to loss aversion. 

Li, Y., Kenrick, D. T., Griskevicius, V., & Neuberg, S. L. (2011). Economic decision biases and fundamental motivations: How mating and self-protection alter loss aversion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, doi:10.1037/a0025844

How Does Social Media Influence Relationships?: The Morning Show Discussion

Last Friday, I woke up at 4:30am for an appearance on The Morning Show to answer this question. Click here to see the video of the interview.

It is also a question that I and other SofR writers have explored previously. On the show, I discussed my own research about the association between spending time on Facebook and the experience of jealousy. I also suggested that, when triggered, jealousy may lead women to “creep” their partners’ Facebook pages moreso than men, primarily because men tend to be more likely to avoid relationship-threatening information than women.

Click to read more ...

Parents’ Divorce Affects Kids’ Future Relationships

When parents divorce, does it influence their kid's views about divorce and the stability of their future adult romantic relationships? It depends on how children view mom and dads’ relationship prior to the divorce. Those who recalled observing their parents fight had more favorable views of divorce as young adults. But those who saw less conflict prior to the divorce had more negative views of divorce and experienced more stable relationships as adults.

Cui, M., Fincham, F. D., & Durtschi, J. A. (2011). The effect of parental divorce on young adults’ romantic relationship dissolution: What makes a difference? Personal Relationships, 18, 410-426.

A Time to Cheat: How Situations Promote Infidelity

As any good social scientist will tell you, a person’s surroundings and environment have powerful influences on behavior. To assume that there are only cheaters and non-cheaters in the world is an oversimplification. Instead, there are situations where infidelity is more likely to occur. For example, the stress one experiences from a long day at school or at work could increase the chances of being unfaithful.  

Click to read more ...

Cross-Dressing and Gender-Bending: Separating Science Fact from Fiction

Every year on Halloween, thousands of people around the world descend upon movie theaters to catch midnight screenings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The film tells the story of Dr. Frank-N-Furter, a mad scientist and self-described “sweet transvestite” from the planet Transsexual. Throughout the film, Frank dresses as a woman and sleeps with anything (human, alien, or creature) that moves.

Click to read more ...