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Friday
Apr032015

Do "Birds of a Feather Go Together" or "Opposites Attract"?

We’ve all heard how “opposites attract." But we're also told that “birds of a feather flock together."

The fact that both of these adages have been passed down for so long suggests that the role of similarity in relationships is not a simple matter.

Most research indicates that we do prefer to affiliate with others who are similar to us—who share our values and interests.1,2,3 But some claim that when it comes to personality traits, we may be most interested in complementarity. This means that for some traits, similarity is most desirable, but for others, we prefer someone who is our opposite. 

The type of complementarity that has received the most attention from researchers examines two traits: affiliation (warm and friendly vs. cold and hostile) and control (dominant vs. submissive). According to this theory, we will prefer someone who is similar to us on affiliation (warm people like other warm people, and cold people like other cold people) and opposite on dominance (dominant people pair off with submissive people).On the other hand, we might expect that everyone, regardless of their own personality, would prefer positive traits in others. For example, even cold people should still prefer to be with someone who is warm.

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Wednesday
Apr012015

10 Essential Relationship Lessons that Women Should Learn about Men

Women should know that…

  1. …men fall in love faster than they do (link).
  2. …their sense of humor doesn’t typically matter to men (link).
  3. …contrary to stereotypes men associate romantic images with pleasant more than sexual images (link).
  4. …if they’re looking for a man who prefers romance to sex, they should look for a male who is low in extroversion (link).
  5. …men who are more in love act more affectionately (e.g., sharing their feelings, making each other laugh, giving hugs and kisses, etc.) toward them (link).
  6. …men like cuddling more than they may think (link).
  7. …healthier men are likely to have happier relationships and more satisfying sex life (link).
  8. …contrary to popular belief, men are more likely to say “I love you” first in a relationships (link).
  9. …married women drink more alcohol than single women (link).
  10. …there is a good chance their male friends find them physically attractive, even if those male friends are in a romantic relationship (link).

In case you missed it, see our list of 10 Essential Relationship Lessons that Men Should Learn about Women here. Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Tuesday
Mar312015

The Psychology of Attractiveness Podcast - New Episode on Facial Contrast and Kim Kardashian's Lower Back

Why do women wear make up? Robert Burriss interviews Alex Jones of Gettysburg College in Pennsylvania about his new research into cosmetics and 'facial contrast'. Also, how did Kim Kardashian break the Internet? Was it her massive bum, or the pronounced curvature of her lower back?

Check out the newest episode of The Psychology of Attractiveness podcast here.

Monday
Mar302015

“I’d Do Anything (I Can) For You”: Sacrifice Requires More than Just Motivation

Why do we make sacrifices for our loved ones? Research tells us that our commitment is what motivates our willingness to sacrifice. Sacrifice, after all, is really about navigating a conflict of interest. We encounter these conflicts of interest when our own personal needs and goals are incompatible with those of our partner or our relationship overall (e.g., continuing to watch our favorite Netflix show vs. helping a partner prepare for a job interview). In order to sacrifice, we have to resist the gut-level urge to act selfishly and instead focus on the long-term benefits to our relationship.

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Friday
Mar272015

10 Essential Relationship Lessons that Men Should Learn about Women

Men should know that…

  1. …being around an attractive woman can impair his cognitive ability (link).
  2. …women find humor attractive perhaps because it shows his cognitive sophistication and intelligence (link).
  3. …if they ask a woman for casual sex, she may perceive him as dangerous (link).
  4. …women were more in love actually initiated sex less often, perhaps as an invitation for seduction (link).
  5. …women are typically more picky about who they date than men, but that this may have more to do with dating norms (i.e., men are expected to approach women and ask them out rather than vice versa) than with innate differences between men and women (link).
  6. … on average women are more sexually satisfied than men (link).
  7. …they benefit from marriage more than women because it leads them to drink less and eat healthier (link).
  8. … when women fake orgasm, it is likely done to preserve their male partner’s feelings (link).
  9. …they are likely much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa (link).
  10. …they are more likely to find women with higher pitched voices more attractive and that a higher voice may indicate higher fertility (link).

Also see our post on the 10 Essential Relationship Lessons that Women Should Learn about Men here.

Thursday
Mar262015

Relational Savoring in Long Distance Relationships: Relationship Matters 45

Anyone that’s been in a long distance relationship knows how hard it can be to be geographically separated from somebody they care about. SAGE has released a new edition of the Relationship Matters podcast (hosted by Dr. Bjarne Holmes of Champlain College) in which Dr. Jessica Borelli (Pomona College) was interviewed regarding her research on strategies for successfully manage long distance relationships (the research team also included Hanna Rasmussen also of Pomona College, Margaret Burkhart of Claremont Graduate University, and David Sbarra of the University of Arizona).

The researchers randomly assigned 533 people in long-distance relationships (i.e., separated by at least 100 miles) to either a relational savoring condition or one of two control conditions. All participants, regardless of condition, first engaged in a laboratory task that is capable of putting stress on long distance relationships. In the relational savoring condition, participants were asked to recall and concentrate on a specific past moment during which they felt very positive about the relationship or particularly safe and loved.

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Wednesday
Mar252015

How Having Couple Friends Helps You Feel the Love

We know that being friends with other couples increases closeness in your own relationship (read more about this here). To see if these friendships also boost feelings of love, researchers had couples engage in a “fast friends” self-disclosure task during which they answered questions such as “What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?”. Couples answered questions either alone or with another couple, and then reported feelings of passionate love (e.g., “I will love my partner forever”). Though there were no changes in passionate love when couples disclosed by themselves, those who answered questions with another couple reported greater passionate love in their own relationships.

Welker, K. M., Baker, L., Padilla, A., Holmes, H., Aron, A., & Slatcher, R. B. (2014). Effects of self‐disclosure and responsiveness between couples on passionate love within couples. Personal Relationships, 21(4), 692-708. doi:10.1111/pere.12058

image source: thesaltcollective.org

Monday
Mar232015

The Big Bang Theory Tests “The Intimacy Acceleration” Procedure

In a recent episode of Big Bang Theory called “The Intimacy Acceleration”, the gang came across a technique that “makes people fall in love”. Sheldon, the perpetual skeptic, agreed to test the technique out with his best friend’s fiancé, Penny. Though this doesn’t sound like something a friend would typically do, given Sheldon’s “unique” people skills, no one-- including Penny and Sheldon’s respective romantic partners-- were concerned about this arrangement. So, what was the technique? It involved Sheldon and Penny asking each other a set of increasingly in-depth and personal questions capped off with four minutes of staring directly into each other’s eyes.

Spoiler alert...Penny and Sheldon don’t fall in love (good thing for their partners Amy and Leonard); however, they did feel closer to each other. Does relationship science help explain why they felt closer to each other?

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Friday
Mar202015

When Friends' "Help" Hurts

It has been well-documented that perceived support is associated with better health and well-being. Knowing that you’ll have someone there when you need them is a great comfort. However, the effects of actually getting help from others are mixed. When it works, support makes us feel good and can have tremendously positive effects on our lives. But other times it doesn’t help, and can even make us feel worse. So when is support from our loved ones well-received and when does it backfire?

There are several reasons why support may not be effective. Sometimes the people supporting us aren’t that good at providing the right kind of support. Another possibility is that receiving support makes the recipient feel indebted to the provider, leading to negative feelings. And finally receiving help could be a blow to self-esteem.

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Wednesday
Mar182015

The Psychology of Attractiveness Podcast

We want to take a moment to turn you on to an awesome podcast produced by our colleague and fellow ScienceOfRelationships.com contributor, Dr. Robert Burriss. Rob is a research fellow at Northumbria University in Newcastle, UK, and we love his podcast, which is filled with sharp humor, tie-ins to current events, and most importantly, excellent sexy science. We'll be featuring new episodes when they are released, and you can check out some of the recent episodes below: 

If prefer to read rather than listen, transcripts are available here. 

Check out Rob's ScienceOfRelationships.com articles here.

Monday
Mar162015

“Please Forgive Me”: The Upside of Guilt

Along with all the great things that result from close relationships, the bond between two people also makes partners vulnerable to each other. Even in the closest of relationships, people may accidentally or intentionally do things that hurt each other’s feelings, whether it’s forgetting a birthday, making a snide remark, or committing a more serious transgression like infidelity.

If a relationship is going to persist following a hurtful act, it’s important that the victim forgive the transgressor. One way of repairing relationships is for transgressors to seek forgiveness by saying they are sorry, admitting their wrongdoings, or giving an explanation for their transgressions. But what prompts someone to seek out forgiveness in the first place? It turns out that guilt is an effective motivator.

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Saturday
Mar142015

Tinderella: A Modern Take on a Classic Tale

(warning...a bit of this video may be NSFW)

Read more about the science of Tinder here.

Friday
Mar132015

Stay In Your Own Lane

Did mama ever tell you to mind your own business or Stay in your own lane? For decades, musicians have been reminding us of the importance of a lesson that often falls on deaf ears. As a matter of fact, in 1949, Hank Williams began swooning about the topic when he sang the lyrics

If the wife and I are fussin', brother that's our right
'Cause me and that sweet woman's got a license to fight
Why don't you mind your own business
(Mind your own business)
‘Cause if you mind your business, then you won’t be mindin’ mine.”

As powerful as those lyrics may be, it seems that more should be done to encourage people to Stay in Your Own Lane!1 Minding your own business or Staying in your own lane refer to the need for people to disengage from the troublesome act of gossiping or meddling in the affairs of others. As easy as this seems in theory, the act of minding your own business is anything but. As a matter of fact, popular media encourages the contrary. Over the past decade, reality television and social media have become the primary focus of our daily rituals – and both of these present-day fixtures encourage us to tend to the business of others. This is evidenced by participation in the dreaded eternal scroll. The eternal scroll refers to the time spent scrolling through social media sites, reviewing others’ posts. Think about it. As of late 2012, Facebook had accounted for almost one billion active users who collectively spend approximately 20,000 years online each day. This inordinate amount of time encourages users to express their likes, dislikes, interests, and concerns2 all relative to posts and responses of others.

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Wednesday
Mar112015

Self-Expansion: A Key for Lasting Love?

Although passionate love typically decreases over time,1 are there things couples can do to keep the flame alive in their relationships? According to the self-expansion model2 (see our articles on self-expansion here), people grow as individuals by having experiences that are new, interesting, and challenging. Luckily for those in relationships, romantic partners are a great source of self-expansion, and relationships help to enhance individuals by providing a place for them to learn about themselves and others, creating opportunities for adventures and trying new things, and promoting active exploration of the world together. If relationships help people enhance themselves, the extent to which a partner facilitates self-expansion should be associated with positive feelings about that relationship, including more love for that partner.

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Monday
Mar092015

The Scientific Merits of Tinder: Swipe Left or Right?

In the age of online dating, science-based information about the ins and outs of dating services is both timely and important. One digital dating app has seen tremendous rises in popularity since its release - we're speaking of course about Tinder. 

Tinder is a bare bones dating app that allows users to filter in rapid succession through photos of other users who are potential matches. Who you see in your pool of potential matches is based on a very limited set of criteria, customizable to the user – age, location, and gender. When two users mutually rate each other favorably (both swipe right), they are “matched,” which prompts the app to open a dialogue between the two users (basically a texting service within the application). The rest is left to the matched users.

Interestingly, there is no scientific research out there specifically about Tinder (we are unaware of any published scientific papers in psychology or related fields that focus on behavior on Tinder). This lack of data might be because of its novelty—Tinder was released in late 2012. The lack of research could also be due to the fact that Tinder's mainstream popularity is even more recent. Despite the lack of scientific data, however, like all things that attain mainstream popularity, Tinder has been subject to both criticism and support from the general public. 

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Friday
Mar062015

MTV's "Catfish": When Truth, Lies, and Self-Concept Collide

On the MTV reality show, “Catfish,” the show’s hosts help a viewer track down an elusive online love. Almost inevitably, it is discovered that they have been fooled, and the person to whom they poured out their heart is not who they appeared to be. However, sometimes something very real has developed beneath the lies. 

In each episode, a viewer involved in an intense online relationship contacts hosts Nev and Max, asking for help tracking down an online paramour, who has repeatedly refused to meet in person. In almost every episode, it is revealed that their love is merely a “catfish,” someone who has constructed a false identity with a fake online profile and lured the unsuspecting subject into a relationship. 

The feelings expressed by the people on the show are intense. Some even claim to be engaged to online loves they have never met in person. In some cases the catfish themselves express strong feelings and a desire to continue the relationship after the deception has been revealed. Many viewers wonder how someone can feel such a strong bond with a person they’ve only met online and how some of the catfish can claim to truly care about a person they have been deceiving for months, or even years. However, research on the expression of the “true self” online suggests that the development of these intense bonds is not so surprising.

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Thursday
Mar052015

How Superficial Disclosures May Hurt You: Relationship Matters Podcast 44

SAGE has released a new edition of the Relationship Matters podcast (hosted by Dr. Bjarne Holmes of Champlain College). Dr. Stephen Rains (University of Arizona) was interviewed regarding his research on how too many superficial disclosures can hurt a friendship. In case you’re wondering, superficial disclosures refer to small, irrelevant details about what’s going on in one’s daily life.

The research team (including Steven Brunner and Kyle Oman, also of the University of Arizona) asked 199 adults to provide a record of all communications they had with specific friends over a 1-week period; the key is that each communication ‘episode’ had to involve some form of technology (e.g., text, e-mail, Facebook, twitter). Participants then reported how much they liked each friend with whom they interacted and also indicated how willing they would be to support each friend in times of need.

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Thursday
Mar052015

It’s Not Just About You and Me: How Social Networks Impact Relationships

In this symposium at the 2015 SPSP meeting, four researchers (including Tim Loving and Fred Clavel, who are SofR regulars) presented their work on how romantic relationships are affected by the social networks around them.

Lisa Diamond led things off with a discussion of how same-sex couples feel more stress compared to heterosexual couples, because homosexuality is more stigmatized. In her study, 120 couples (some male-female, some male-male, some female-male) came into the lab and engaged in a task where they discussed a recent conflict they were having. Interestingly, whether same-sex couples felt marginalized by the broader community (i.e. whether they felt accepted by society or not) didn’t seem to predict negativity during this conflict discussion. But if they felt marginalized or having lower status within their spouse’s family (the in-laws) that caused problems within the couple. Not feeling equally accepted within a spouse’s family was associated with more negativity/hostile behavior, greater escalation of conflict (it became intense quickly), and a higher ratio of negative to positive interactions. Dr. Diamond suggested that same-sex couples may feel more distress in their relationship if their close circle of friends/family disapprove of them, rather than if the society at large disapproves of them.

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Wednesday
Mar042015

3 Brain Systems of Love: Lust, Attraction, and Attachment

While love is complicated and can’t simply be reduced to three biological brain states, there are clear neurochemical processes that do contribute to feelings of love. While not called ‘love’, the desire to mate with a specific individual is not limited to humans, but exists across many species. The drive to find a mate, bond, and reproduce is called the ‘attraction system’. This system is made up of three fundamental pathways -- lust, attraction and attachment – which occur in both birds and mammals (including humans).

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Monday
Mar022015

Catching Fertility

As a 40-something, married father of two, I’ve experienced a lot of transitions in my life, including some particularly big ones over the past decade or so. I started a new job, got married, had a kid, bought a house, and had another kid. Importantly, I’m not unique in this regard --- many of the people I know my age have gone through most, if not all, of these same transitions (albeit perhaps in a different order).

Although I didn’t really notice it at the time, my movement through these life transitions generally occurred in the ballpark of my friends doing the same things. How can I forget the ‘wedding years’, when I was finally forced to buy a suit. And then there was the breeding extravaganza that happened a few years later. Is it a coincidence that many of my friends also have kids within a few years age of my own? Perhaps not.  In fact, it’s very likely that the decisions my wife and I made about starting a family were influenced by what we saw going on around us.

Simply put, others influence our thoughts about fertility. For example, adolescents are more likely to become sexually active, and make choices about whether to do so and take appropriate precautions, if their friends are doing the same (You don’t use condoms? Then me neither! Let’s compare babies and rashes!). In a recent study, researchers wanted to see just how far a reach friends have on women’s sexual and fertility behaviors by testing whether female friends’ transitions to parenthood increase a given woman’s own transition to parenthood. Put another way: Is a woman’s fertility contagious?

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