Entries in breakup (88)
Most young adults use some form of social network, and among those platforms, Facebook is one of the most popular with nearly 1.4 billion monthly users and approximately 890 million users who login each day.1 And while many aspects of people’s lives play out on Facebook, their relationships are a particularly central part of their profiles.2 And although Facebook can be used to display new or happy3 relationships, people have to manage the end of their relationships on Facebook as well.
Break-ups are tough. Your world changes and you may be left feeling sad, confused, and lonely; When you lose a relationship, you not only lose your partner, you also lose part of your self.1 In fact, after breaking-up, people have fewer responses to provide to the question “Who am I?”, and they generally feel more unsure about who they are as a person. Given the potential damage to one’s self-concept, recovery from break-up should go more smoothly when individuals focus on restoring their sense of self.
In order for the scientific discipline of psychology to exist, we need participants who are willing to take our studies, come to our labs, fill out our measures, or answer our questions online. If you took Intro Psychology in college, chances are that you have been in a psychology study. If you’re planning on taking Intro Psych in college, this is one more thing to look forward to.
When people sign up for a study they often have to meet certain criteria. So we can study what makes relationships work better, relationship scientists often look for potential study participants who have recently fallen in love or who have had a long-term relationship. We also look for single people when we want to better understand attraction or how people start relationships. Those studies are often fun for researchers and participants because of the subject matter.
But as someone who has done research on break-up, I can tell you that break-up research can be tough. Often I’m looking for participants who have broken up recently while the experience is still new and somewhat raw.
We have been a romantic couple for almost 20 years, married for 13 years, produced two wonderful children, moved across the country for academic jobs, conducted numerous scientific studies examining romantic couples, and…will soon be divorced. How could two people who study why romantic couples fail or succeed be such utter failures themselves? The answer is easy: we are human. Like everyone else we have faults. We argue. We disagree. We neglect. We make bad choices. In the past, we have always been able to survive these shortcomings.
Break-ups are difficult and can lead a person to engage in a variety of negative behaviors designed to help get over an ex. While coping by avoiding others, eating too much (or too little), or writing a song (we’re looking at you Taylor Swift) might be common, others may turn to more extreme, and even criminal, behaviors following the end of their relationships.
No matter how you slice it, breakups are not much fun -- someone usually ends up getting hurt. Wouldn’t it be great if ending a relationship with someone could be a little less painful? It turns out that a dose of compassionate love can help ease the pain.
When you think about “love” in romantic relationships, you probably are imaging what researchers refer to as passionate love (read more about passionate love here and here), the intense, desire-filled, longing (and obsession) for the object of your affection. In addition to passion, however, another ‘type’ of love is also important in close relationships: compassionate love. Compassionate love refers to the concern and care people have for the well-being of others, especially when those others are suffering; compassion love promotes support, understanding, and tenderness.1 Clearly you can experience compassionate love for a romantic partner, but it can also be directed toward friends, family, and strangers. And when it comes to breakups, you can also direct compassionate love toward a soon-to-be ex-partner.
Could something as simple as watching movies help your relationship? One-hundred-seventy-four engaged or newlywed couples were randomly assigned to one of two intense relationship workshops, or to watch and reflect on relationship movies (e.g., Love Story) featuring relationship behaviors such as stress, forgiveness, support, and conflict, or a no treatment ‘business as usual’ control condition. Couples in the movie condition watched and discussed one movie a week for a month. Three years later all three treatment groups (both workshops and the movie group) experienced less relationship dissolution (11%) compared to couples in the no treatment condition (24%). All three treatments had similar benefits, which suggests that simply watching and discussing movies can help protect your relationship.
Rogge, R. D., Cobb, R. J., Lawrence, E., Johnson, M. D., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013). Is skills training necessary for the primary prevention of marital distress and dissolution? A 3-year experimental study of three interventions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(6), 949-961. doi:10.1037/a0034209
image source: gettyimages.com
Being in a committed romantic relationship involves feelings of intimacy and attachment between partners and desiring that the relationship continues into the future. Those who are committed to their partners manage relationship conflict more constructively, are less likely to cheat, and are more likely to stay together for the long haul. Commitment is clearly important in ongoing romantic relationships; however, it may also influence the how former partners feel about each other after their relationships end. New research suggests that people who were more committed to a romantic relationship have healthier relationships with their exes after breaking up.
There’s no question that romantic breakups can be really hard. Losing a partner we’ve become very close to means losing someone who was previously part of our daily lives. As a result, breakups can undermine our ability to sleep and eat well (among other things). Research has revealed that experiencing a breakup has several unique effects on our sense of self or self-concept (i.e., everything that makes us who we are) as well. For example, research has demonstrated that, after a breakup, people feel that their self-concept is smaller than it was before the breakup; in other words, they feel like their self-concept has diminished somewhat.1 This makes sense, since over time people tend to incorporate their romantic partner into their self-concept, meaning that their individual identities begin to merge (that is, “me” and “you” becomes “we” and “us”). In the wake of a breakup, then, the self-concept may feel reduced or contracted because there used to be another person involved in it (e.g., part of “me” used to include being a loving partner to a specific person, and now that part is gone).
In their latest book, Think Like a Freak, economist Steven Levitt and his Freakonomics friend and co-author, Stephen Dubner, urge readers to think about the world differently by training readers’ brains to approach problems in unique ways. For example, they suggest readers avoid focusing on the big picture and instead focus on the smaller, more manageable (and more changeable) elements of a problem. They also encourage adopting a greater willingness to simply say, “I don’t know,” and share their thoughts about how to persuade those who don’t want to be persuaded (hint: don’t be a jerk, and you should tell stories).
In the final chapter, “The Upside of Quitting,” Levitt and Dubner suggest that, contrary to what many people have told you in life, you should quit. That is, when things get tough, you shouldn’t always tough them out and stick with it. Instead, you should quit and do so sooner rather than later.
Bad form? Perhaps. But it seems like a missed opportunity for lots of other hashtags.
#exfilter #cropshot #singlelife #sorrynotsorry #instasingle #lessismore
To read more about break up, click here.
While planning a get-together with my friends recently, one of my girlfriends immediately took a happy hour venue off the table because the location reminded her too much of her ex-husband. The odds of running into her ex-husband were very low at this watering hole, but she did not want to be reminded of him while we were out. I have known many people to do this -- avoid travel destinations, restaurants or bars, or even stop doing a hobby that they previously enjoyed because it reminded them too much of their ex-partner. Admittedly, there have been times in my own life when I have avoided doing things because it was too painful to be reminded of a lost love, such as not listening to a whole genre of music (reggae) for a few years because it only reminded me of my ex-husband.
One of the sad truths about dating is that sometimes you get dumped, and when you do, you’re probably going to be pretty pissed at your ex. If you want to get back at them for making the worst mistake of their lives, jumping into bed with someone else will surely teach them a lesson, right? Or if your breakup simply has you feeling blue, maybe you think that hooking up with someone else will help you feel better, at least for a little while.
How have you fared in Valentine Debriefing Open Season 2014? You know how it is—if you were lucky enough to have a valentine, then every friend, coworker, and inquisitive relative feels somehow entitled to all the details after your big day. Reliving Valentine’s Day can be fun and rewarding if things are going well with your partner. But maybe February 14th wasn’t quite what you expected this year. Maybe you two had a fight. Maybe your partner let you down in some way. Maybe after the last chocolate wrapper fluttered into the trashcan, you found yourself questioning things. How is this going? Will this relationship last?
Whether your Valentine’s Day was lovely or a letdown, go ahead and take today’s relationship quiz (if you’re in a relationship, that is). It’s short—just 7 questions—and will give you instant feedback about your short-term prognosis at the end. I recommend taking it now, before reading further, so you can give your natural responses.
Last month we put out a call to students attending the annual SPSP conference in Austin, Texas, saying that we'd pay the conference registration for the student who wrote the best "Quickie" for the site. After a blind review process of the many entries, we are excited to announce that we have selected a winner: Allison Farrell, a doctoral candidate from the University of Minnesota. Congratulations!
You can read Allie's winning write-up below:
Everyone knows relationship lows are hard, but could highs be bad too? Individuals in newly formed romantic couples rated their relationship satisfaction every week for 10 weeks, and then reported whether they were still in the relationship 4 months later. Lower satisfaction overall and declines over time predicted breakups, but so did fluctuations in satisfaction. Individuals whose satisfaction ratings increased and decreased wildly from week to week, even if they were generally highly satisfied, were more likely to see their relationships end than those with more stable satisfaction levels. Katy Perry was right: hot and cold relationships are tough!
Arriaga, X.B. (2001). The ups and downs of dating: Fluctuations in satisfaction in newly formed romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80, 754-765.
Commitment, the big “C-word” in relationships, is defined as feeling connected to your partner, wanting your relationship to succeed, and thinking about your long-term future together. Although there are downsides to commitment (see here for an example), commitment is associated with lots of good outcomes...
It may be hard to believe, but I was once in a relationship for nine years where I was so unhappy, I cried nearly every day. A decade later, with a Ph.D. in Psychology under my belt and an intellectual obsession with how and why humans attach themselves to one another and form relationships, I am finally beginning to understand the mysterious crazy glue that keeps people in bad relationships. It often boils down to commitment level, attachment style, and a strange ability to distort the future.
“Closure” is a term I have heard bandied about by many of my friends over the years, but I have always wondered what it really means. For example, after my friend Daphne’s long-distance boyfriend broke up with her over the phone, she told me she needed to fly from NYC to London to see him in person to “get closure.” Even after she saw him in person, she still didn’t feel like things were really over. The meaning of closure is something I have grappled with when trying to make sense of one of my own past relationships. I spent the better part of 10 years trying to get closure with The Question Mark so that I could move on, trying everything from writing him long treatises on why our relationship could never work, to hashing things out in person in order to finally say “goodbye.”
It seems intuitive, right? Getting a rejection letter from a top college, dumped by the love of our life, or excluded from lunch with friends can make us feel pretty crummy. Rejection can cause us to re-evaluate ourselves and make us think, "Why wasn’t I good enough? What am I doing wrong?" According to the sociometer theory, being rejected by others decreases self-esteem.1 From this perspective, self-esteem represents an internal monitor of our acceptance level in our social world. When our acceptance is high, we feel pretty good about ourselves. But when we experience rejection, we are much more critical of ourselves and modify our behavior in an attempt to restore our sense of belonging. Thus, rejection’s effect on self-esteem is adaptive: it sparks self-reflection and improves our likelihood of gaining acceptance going forward.
But does rejection really lower our self-esteem?