Love Sick?

Several years ago, I read a journal article in which the researchers reported that individuals who had recently fallen in love had higher levels of cortisol than did individuals in long-term relationships or those in no relationship at all. Importantly, high levels of cortisol can eventually weaken the immune system and undermine physical health. Admittedly, this finding baffled me. If chronically high levels of cortisol can be bad for health, then how does that explain the overwhelmingly positive impression people have of being passionately in love? I’ve yet to find a Valentine’s Day card that reads, “I love you so much that you make me susceptible to pneumonia.”

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Relationship Science and Online Dating

A team of relationship scientists have an article investigating online dating forthcoming in the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest, published by the Association for Psychological Science.

Check out the press release about the paper (along with a link to a pre-print of the article) here and see what you think.

Rekindle the Romance in Your Relationship with Self-Expansion

If your relationship has become a bit stagnant, it likely lacks sufficient self-expansion.  As we’ve discussed previously, self-expansion refers to people’s inherent desires to improve themselves and relationships serve as a key route to accomplishing this goal. However, many relationships are in a rut or otherwise feel a bit stagnant, stale, or boring. Want to learn about some strategies for improving your relationship that counteract boredom by fostering self-expansion? Read on... 

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I Need to See Your iPod Before We Can Go Out

What really matters is what you like, not what you are like...Books, records, films — these things matter.

- Rob, from the book/movie High Fidelity

There are a number of dating sites founded on the principle that, when it comes to attraction, similarity matters. Whether it’s based in your religion (e.g., jdate.com) or your computer preferences (e.g., cupidtino.com), online dating sites seem tuned in to the fact that sharing similar interests with a partner is a necessary component of a successful match. I recently stumbled upon a site called tastebuds.fm, which states “we've always been interested in the idea that music taste can say a lot about a person and that for some people it is an important factor when choosing a potential partner.” With the Grammy's just around the corner, I figured it was time to think about the importance of music in relationship initiation.

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Direct is Best: Forget About Playing Hard to Get

Traditional flirting strategy tells us that a woman attracts a man’s attention by impersonating an immovable object and smiling in his direction. Smiling is good. Smiling is an approachability signal that beckons “come hither”1 to the object of our desires and is perceived as being attractive.2 Unsurprisingly, women smile more when interacting with a man they find attractive.3 While she displays her expensive dentistry, what is his modus operandi? Again, traditional flirting strategy would dictate that he saunters over to her and says, “You must be a parking ticket, because you’ve got fine written all over you” But, do men and women have such different ways to show interest and attraction?

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Women: Take Control and Get a Date

Men often take a more active role than do women in initiating heterosexual relationships, and this difference may reflect a broader difference in how much control men and women feel they generally have in life. When women recall a recent past event they felt they had control over, they report increased intentions to initiate dates to a level that equals men’s typical relationship initiation intentions. Perceiving control is an equalizer when it comes to dating. 

MacGregor, J. C. D., & Cavallo, J. V. (2011). Breaking the rules: Personal control increases women’s direct relationship initiation. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 28, 848-867.

It's Back! New Season of The Bachelor Starts Tonight

The season premiere of The Bachelor, featuring the rejected Ben Flajnik from last season's The Bachelorette, airs tonight on ABC. Ben's getting a second chance, so we're doing the same for a post from our archives. Click the link below to read SofR's featured columnist Dr. Amy Muise's empirical analysis of how shows like The Bachelor could impact your own romanic pursuits. 

Is Watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette Bad For Your Relationship?

What You Wear on a Date: It Matters

It probably won’t shock you to hear that psychologists have discovered that how much skin your outfit reveals influences what others think of you. Perhaps, back in high school, your dad told you that you were not allowed to leave the house with that mini skirt on. (Or was that only me?) Long before high school you probably knew that what others wore and how they looked influenced what you thought of them.

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The Third Date Rule: Fact or Fiction?

“This is our third date, and we both know what that means.”

“We do?”

“Sex.”

On a classic episode of The Big Bang Theory, Howard learns about the third date rule – the idea that the third date is the “sex date,” the date when it is deemed appropriate for a new couple to have sex. Is this a dating rule that people take to heart (or to bed) or is it just another urban dating myth? 

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Should I Move On or Go Back?

A reader wrote in with the following dilemma: "I'm currently with a boy that I've been with for 2 months, he is so sweet, and treats me like a princess, something I've always wanted. Although, I can't seem to stop talking to my ex bf. I feel like it has to do with the fact that I moved on too quick, it was like a month that I moved on and I was with my ex for 3 yrs. I just don't know what to do with my situation, I'm the type of person that doesn't like to hurt anyone but that's too late. Every time I'm with my ex I get weak, and it gets so hard for me to tell him I can't talk to him anymore, because I know that's the best option for me. Every time I'm with my current bf, everything seems right, but I here and there think about my ex. I need help on what to do, because I will always love my ex, but I have strong feelings for my current bf."

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How to Not “Get Played”

Recently, a female friend asked me: “Can you write an article on how to not get played?” When I asked for further clarification on the word “played,” she defined it as something to the effect of “used, lied to, and/or cheated on.” I’ll try my best.

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Ambush Dating: Unraveling the Mystery that All Started with a Big Bang!

If you’re familiar with The Big Bang Theory, you’ve probably found yourself pondering the attraction between Leonard and Penny. Seriously, how did a geeky scientist and a Cheesecake Factory hottie ever find themselves together? For a show focused on evolutionary principles, their union always brings to my mind the lyrics, “Is she really going out with him?” or at least leads me to anticipate one of Sheldon’s well-timed, sarcastic taunts of “Bazinga!” My personal explanation for this love anomaly…the Ambush Date!

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Love is Abstract, but Sex is Concrete: How Your Mindset Affects Romantic Expectations

What are you doing right now? Are you relaxing? Procrastinating? Gaining knowledge about relationships? Reading words on your computer screen?

You can construe any situation in a number of ways. In particular, you can frame most situations in either an abstract, long-term sort of way, or in a more concrete, immediate way.

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What are We Fighting About?: The Top 15 Sources of Conflict in Relationships

Relationship conflict is inevitable. To identify the most common sources of conflict, over 100 participants listed the ways that men and women could upset, irritate, hurt, or anger each other. Researchers then analyzed subjects’ responses to identify the most central themes, or common topics, in the list. Based on this analysis, here are the top 15 behaviors that can upset a romantic partner, ranked in order by the frequency each behavior was listed (from the most to least mentioned):  

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Women and Dating: An Unhealthy Pursuit?

Men aren’t the only ones who are negatively affected by the dating game. Recently I highlighted a series of studies showing that men’s competition with each other for mates can lead to poor financial decisions such as racking up credit card debt. But competition for dates can adversely affect women in even more unhealthy ways.

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Correcting Grammar: Sculpting the Ideal Partner?

From nataliedee.com. 

Wanna Snag a Man? Don't Follow "The Rules"

The authors of the popular self-help book The Rules claim they can help women capture a perfect man and lure him into marriage. All you have to do is follow a list of relatively simple rules, which essentially equate to playing hard to get. The Rules was an overnight best-seller, and has since become something of a mantra for thousands of dating women – or “Rules Girls” – to live by. Clearly, this relationship advice is wildly popular. But, is it scientifically sound?

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A Little Too Good To Be True: Deceptive Tactics in Dating

Evolutionary theories of partner selection suggest that whereas men look for partners with signs of youth and fertility, women seek out partners who will be good providers (i.e., males with status, power, and/or wealth). So, what’s a guy to do if he finds himself lacking when it comes to these highly sought-after characteristics? Employ deception!

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The Economics of Mating: Charging Up for Romance

When I was in college, credit card companies would lure students into opening accounts by giving away t-shirts or 2-liters of Coke in exchange for signing up for a new card. Nearly 20 years later I still have one of those accounts, although the t-shirt is thankfully long gone. I attended an engineering school that had nearly a 2-to-1 male to female sex ratio; there were twice as many young men on campus than women. Did this imbalance affect the likelihood that my fellow single men would get into trouble with their new credit cards? Could it be because of “intrasexual competition” (i.e., competing with other men) for relatively few available females?

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How to "Warm" Things Up on Your Next Date

If you want to be perceived as warm and friendly on your next date, bring your date a hot cup of coffee or encourage him or her to order the soup. Researchers have found that physical warmth can influence our perceptions of another person’s psychological warmth.

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