Entries in gratitude (6)

Monday
Mar062017

The Silver Lining to Sacrificing for Your Partner

It is probably easy for most people who have been in a long-term relationship to think of a time (probably many times!) when they gave up something they wanted for their partner. These relationship sacrifices can be quite costly, since they’re often time consuming and undesirable activities, like spending a Saturday night with your partner’s friends instead of your own. In this article, I want to talk about the silver lining of making sacrifices—the benefits that we don’t always think about when we’re stuck in traffic to pick up a partner’s dry cleaning or watching Love Actually for the 12th time.

Click to read more ...

Monday
Aug112014

An Attitude of Gratitude as a Relationship Rx

Need a boost in your romantic relationship? A dose of gratitude may do the trick, according to Dr. Sara Algoe of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Gratitude is an emotion experienced in acknowledgement of an intentionally provided benefit, especially if the benefit is perceived as personally important and responsive to one’s needs and preferences. It is thought that gratitude enhances social relationships by broadening our attention to people who care about our welfare. In fact, early research on gratitude1 has shown that compared to happiness, gratitude made people recall more positive qualities of a benefactor, feel closer to the benefactor, and desire to spend more time with that person in the future. 

On the flip side of gratitude lurks indebtedness, the feeling of obligation to repay someone for a benefit that he or he has provided. While an individual may experience either gratitude or indebtedness after having received a benefit, only gratitude is associated with positive emotions; in fact, indebtedness is linked to negative emotions such as guilt. Indebtedness drives people to resolve a debt in order to feel better but unlike gratitude, does not facilitate communal relationships.

Click to read more ...

Saturday
Feb082014

Valentines Approaching Middle Age*

*Wikipedia defines “middle age” as 41 – 60, so it must be true. 

Everyone in a long-term romantic relationship has a story. Each of our stories is unique. Our story begins when we were 21 (Charlotte) and 25 (Patrick). We were both coming off other long-term, serious (or so we thought) relationships, and we really didn’t know what we wanted out of a relationship or what we could offer a partner. Now, 17 years and 2 kids later, we both feel pretty lucky that things have worked out as well as they have. Back then, we had no idea what challenges we would face or how we would help each other maneuver through them. We were young and optimistic, but there was so much we didn’t know.

Due to practice and a bit of research (it doesn’t hurt that we are both researchers who study romantic relationships!), we know a little more about relationships now. However, we are still never sure what to do each Valentine’s Day (see past reflections on this matter here and here). It seems like a holiday for “new lovers,” and we’ve known each other too long to feel “new” to each other. What are those of us approaching middle age and in long-term relationships supposed to do on this holiday?

Being the nerds that we are, we decided to review some relevant research to help answer this question, and we offer a few tips in case you find yourself in a similar predicament.

Click to read more ...

Monday
Jan132014

The Things You Do for Me: How Your Partner’s Investments Make You More Committed 

Imagine that you get a great job offer, complete with an excellent salary, flexible hours and numerous promotion opportunities. The only problem is that this job offer is in a city far away from where you and your partner currently live. Thus, your partner has to choose whether or not to uproot for you, leaving her or his own job and friends behind and starting over with you in this new city. What would be the consequences of your partner making this choice? In particular, beyond the consequences this would have for your partner, how would you feel about your partner making this sacrifice for you? 

Click to read more ...

Thursday
Feb282013

What if You Never Met Your Partner?

Occasionally, I imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have my partner. I’ll even imagine that he has died and wonder what I would do. Sounds dark, right? Perhaps even more morbid is that his imaginary death always makes me feel happier with my relationship.

Now, before you start thinking that I am some sort of psychopath, social psychological research supports my morbid relationship musings.

Click to read more ...

Saturday
Jan192013

How Sleep Impacts Our Romantic Relationships

How well did you sleep last night? It turns out that your answer may have implications for your romantic relationship. Today, my friend Amie Gordon from UC Berkeley gave a fascinating talk about how our quality of sleep impacts our feelings of gratitude in relationships.

Click to read more ...