Is It Time to Move On and Let Go?

Q: I am 21 years old and my ex-boyfriend is 34. We had been together for 2 years on and off. We broke up two months ago but in the past two weeks he suddenly came into my work place and we spoke. This week we planned on Monday to hang out, but I canceled on him and rescheduled for Wednesday. We had a quick dinner; he kept updating me about his friends and what he has been up to, and asking how I have been. After dinner, he walked me home and brushed his hand against my back occasionally...but when we reached my place, we just hugged and parted. We didn't kiss or talk about where our relationship is going.

The next day he texted me telling me that it was nice to see me again...I replied "Likewise." Two days have passed now...and I haven't heard from him since.

I guess I'm just confused as to whether my ex-boyfriend still wants to get back with me...or is it time for me to let go and move on?

A: Thank you for your question. It does sound like you are getting some mixed signals, so it is natural to want some clarification about what is going on with your ex.

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Got “Cold Feet”? Watch Out for Marital Woes Ahead

Remember that classic scene from Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts bolted from the altar and trotted across the horizon in a wedding dress? Or when Chandler in Friends left a note for Monica before he fled just hours before their nuptial? These storylines are common in TV and movies, but it can happen in real life too. Many people get cold feet before their big days; it is so common that friends and family usually tell the bride/groom-to-be to just brush it off as a little blip on the path to living happily-ever-after. Indeed, people often have more doubts about themselves, their partners, and their relationships when they face significant changes in their lives.¹ But are we right to ignore these doubts? Not so, according to recent research.

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The Birds And The Bees: When And How Should Fathers Talk To Their Sons About Sex?

How are adolescent boys learning about sex these days? By pointing, clicking, and streaming through a seemingly endless supply of Internet pornography. That’s right…online porn is now the default form of sex education for a growing number of young boys because they simply are not getting the information they need elsewhere. Personally, I find this prospect kind of scary. I mean, do you really want your son to learn everything he knows about sex from watching Ron Jeremy?

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Ask Dr. Loving: When Should I Tell My Friends What I Think About Their Relationships?

Is there any research that shows how or when to express your feelings (positive or negative) about a friend’s relationship?

Let’s back up and start with a more basic question: Does your opinion matter? Absolutely. Knowing what others think about our romances is a critical piece of information if those relationships are going to survive.

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“Breaking Up is Like Knocking Over a Coke Machine”

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

-Jerry Seinfeld (to Elaine, regarding her relationship with Puddy)

Most research on relationship stability considers breakup to be a finite state or endpoint: a relationship is either over or it’s not; there is no middle ground. As you might have experienced, however, breakup can often be a process in which some couples get back together and then breakup again (press Alt+Ctl+Del to reboot and do it all again...and again).

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When the Troops Come Home

Troops’ reunions with loved ones evoke iconic images and powerful emotions. A study examined how service members’ returns from deployment influence their relationships. Data from over 200 military personnel revealed that those with more depression reported lower relationship satisfaction. This link resulted from increased uncertainty about the relationship’s future and greater perceived partner interference of everyday plans or career goals. Interestingly, service members’ dissatisfaction was heightened when they had been home from deployment longer.  

Knobloch, L. K., & Theiss, J. A. (2011). Depressive symptoms and mechanisms of relational turbulence as predictors of relationship satisfaction among returning service members. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(4), 470-478. doi:10.1037/a0024063

Sexual Strategies in Cross-Sex Friendships

Evolutionary psychologists, including pioneers such as David Buss, have yet another perspective on this type of friendship. These researchers tend to view cross-sex friendship as an evolved reproductive tactic, or “sexual strategy.” In a nutshell, evolutionary processes have created differences between men and women with regards to sex. Thus, men and women may have different motivations for becoming friends with the opposite sex.

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Cross-Sex Friendships: Can Men and Women Ever Be “Just Friends”?

This is a question I get asked a lot by my friends and students. The answer is yes, heterosexual men and women are perfectly capable of remaining platonic friends without dating or hooking up (labeled as “cross-sex friendship” or “opposite-sex friendship” in the scientific world),^1,2 and nearly all men and women have had such a friendship at some point in their lives.³ However, there are unique aspects of cross-sex friendships that can be potentially problematic or rewarding depending on your perspective.

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From Friends to Lovers

Cornina asked: "Is it realistic to believe that a man and a woman can move past the awkward barrier of good friends into passionate, romantic love?"

Dear Corina,

The answer is yes, friends can (and often do) become lovers, although as your question implies, the transition can be somewhat awkward.

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Does Distance Matter?: How To Manage Geographic Separation in Relationships (Part 2)

In our first post about LDRs, we noted that LDRs are fairly common and similar to geographically close relationships (GCRs) in terms of markers of relationship quality, such as closeness, affection, and likelihood of the relationship ending. If this is the case, how do people in long-distance relationships make them work? What are some challenges that are specific to LDRs and how can they be managed?

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“He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not ...”: Uncertainty and Attraction

Are you more likely to be attracted to someone who is into you? Or do you like those that don’t reciprocate your interest? This is one of those cases where your intuitions might be wrong. You need to be cool and downplay your interest in someone to get them to like you, right? Nope; it turns out that there’s a lot of research showing that we tend to like those people who like us right back.

That’s all well and good, but in the real world sometimes it’s not clear how someone feels about you. Maybe they are sending mixed signals or you’re getting conflicting information about their interest from your mutual friends. Or you might not have any idea how they feels about you because you’re too scared to even talk to them. Essentially, what happens when you are uncertain about their feelings about you? Do you like them less or more?

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