May the Fourth Be with You and Your Relationships

May the Fourth, if it isn't obvious, is a day to celebrate all things Star Wars. We're Star Wars geeks at heart, so it's probably not surprising that we've found ways to incorporate Star Wars themes into ScienceOfRelationships.com...

• Yoda Loves Relationship Science
• "Luke, I'm Certain I Am Your Father."
• Galaxy of Passion - A Star Wars Telenovela
• The Origins of Reverse Psychology: The Jedi Mind Trick
• The Similarities between You and the Rebel Fleet
• Don't Ask a Jedi. Ask Us.

Don't Ask A Jedi. Ask Us.

Check out other readers' questions, and our answers, here.

"Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Big?" and Other Questions You May be Tempted to Ask Your Partner

Over a decade ago, I promised myself I’d never ask my husband anything that resembles the loaded question, “do these pants make my butt look big?” Although I believe that women are subjected to impossible standards of beauty that could lead any reasonable woman to feel insecure about her appearance, I did not want to reveal myself as insecure about my weight. I knew I was not “fat,” and did not want to find myself behaving like a stereotypical weight-obsessed woman. However, most of all, I made a conscious choice – as a woman who studies body image and eating behaviors – to try my best to be confident about my weight. I believed then, and still believe today, that I don’t have the professional luxury of questioning my body or my weight if I am going to tell other people that they should eat healthy foods and not “worry” about their weight.

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(Lack of) Partner Support and Criticism Predicts Depression

NPR recently reported on a new study by Dr. Alan Teo and colleagues on the link between relationship quality and depression. Those of you with critical, unsupportive partners should start looking for a therapist with a comfy couch soon!

Click here to check out NPR's coverage of this work.

New Parents: We’re On the Same Team

image source: living.msn.comHaving a first child can be a stressful time for couples for many reasons. One factor that may contribute to new-parent stress is whether the new parents agree on how to parent. In a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers examined whether new parents had similar parenting styles and felt like they were working together as team in raising their new infants; they also assessed whether this teamwork was related to parents’ mental health and relationship satisfaction. New mothers and fathers who felt like their parenting styles were similar had more positive moods and experienced less depression in the months following the birth of their first child. In addition, perceived agreement in parenting styles was related to mothers’ overall relationship satisfaction. 

Don, B. P., Biehle, S. N., Mickelson, K. D. (in press). Feeling like part of a team: Perceived parenting agreement among first-time parents. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

The Scientist (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Replications)

When people ask me what I do, I talk about being a professor and a social psychologist, but first and foremost I am a scientist, though probably not the type with a white lab coat and microscopes you had in mind. My colleagues and I use scientific perspectives and methods to investigate topics like interpersonal relationships, dreams, and morality. Our fields depend on the integrity of the scientific process (generating hypotheses, testing them with sound methods and measures, and running analyses). This article is about a crucial element of relationship science that, until recently, our journal editors have somewhat neglected: replication.

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Do the Daily Sacrifices We Make in Relationships Make Us Happier? Relationship Matters Podcast #22

In the 22nd installment of Sage’s Relationship Matters podcast, hosted by Dr. Bjarne Holmes of Champlain College, Dr. Casey Totenhagen (University of Arizona) dicusses recent research on how the daily sacrifices we make in relationships (e.g., doing the dishes, picking up a partner from work) influence how happy and committed we are in our relationships. 

Totenhagen explained, “In a relationship the partners are interdependent, and what I’m feeling and getting out of the relationship really depends on how my partner is treating me. These sacrifices are opportunities that we have to show our partners that we care about them, that we’re invested in the relationship, and that we want and expect the relationship to continue.”

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Who's on Top? Power and Control In and Out of the Bedroom

Is control in the bedroom related to power in the relationship?

Power dynamics are a relatively common element of sexual fantasy.¹ Some individuals enjoy being sexually dominant – they derive satisfaction from exerting power or control over their sexual partners. Others enjoy being sexually submissive – they are satisfied when their sexual partners exert power over them. But the reader poses an intriguing question: do a couple’s power dynamics within the bedroom mirror their power dynamics outside the bedroom?

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Capitalization on 'The Big Bang Theory'

In this clip from Season 5 of The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon and Amy ("Shamy") go on their monthly date, as specified by the "relationship agreement." This scene illustrates the importance of being excited about your partner's good news, something relationship researchers refer to as "capitalization." Read more about this topic here, and more from The Big Bang Theory here, here, and here.

Men and Women: The Definitive Difference

From thedoghousediaries.com. Read more about research on sex differences here and here.

Not So Different? Not So Fast!

We recently posted an article about research findings that counter the notion that men and women differ in many meaningful psychological ways. Like most topics in the field, however, it's not always as simple as it first appears. Here's an insightful post by our colleague Dr. David Schmitt that offers a counterpoint to the information presented in that earlier post. 

Facebook and Relationship Development: It’s Complicated (Part 2)

Part 1 of this article described a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships investigating how Facebook has become an important part of the development of romantic relationships. In particular, although young adults don’t view Facebook as a dating site per se, it is used as a way to get to know potential partners better and gauge romantic interest. But beyond these initial interactions, Facebook is important as relationships progress.

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Dear John Gray, Please Read This

Are men and women really that different from one another? Despite what many believe, and what some alleged experts might tell you, women and men are more similar than they are different on most meaningful psychological dimensions. New research by Drs. Bobbi Carothers and Harry Reis highlight these similarities well. Read more here and here.

Check out Dr. Amy Muise's post on this topic here.

Is “Playing Hard To Get” A Good Dating Strategy?

Master manipulators know that the way to get people to part with their money is to create an illusion of scarcity. In other words, if you want people clamoring for whatever it is you’re selling, tell people they can’t have it (“Act now! Quantities are limited!”). Next thing you know, they’ll be lining up to pay you even more than you were originally asking! So does the same thing work when it comes to finding a date? Can you enhance your desirability by making yourself less available? A new set of studies suggests that you can.

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It's Easy To Have More Sex In Your Relationship

A new study by Science of Relationships contributor Dr. Amy Muise and colleagues on keeping the sexual spark alive in long-term relationships was recently published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Read more about this research at The Huffington Post, the Wall Street Journal, and check out Amy's articles on ScienceOfRelationships.com.

Is It Okay To Have A Crush On Someone Who Isn't Your Significant Other?

Is it okay for people to be attracted to others while in a committed relationship? Is it normal? Someone told me "if you're in a relationship and attracted to someone else, then there is something missing in your relationship and you shouldn't be committed in the first place." Is that true? I've always thought that attraction is normal and unavoidable, and crushes are harmless if not acted on. So, is it normal to have a crush on someone who isn't your significant other?

A: Your question raises several different issues worth considering, so let’s take them one at a time:

1) Is being “attracted to others while in a committed relationship… normal and unavoidable?”

Actually, yes, there is reason to think that being attracted to others is unavoidable. When we look at another person our brain very quickly processes the visual information our eyes see, and we nearly instantaneously make a judgment concerning the other person’s attractiveness.

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Assembling IKEA Furniture: The True Test of a Relationship

There are a lot of ways to put a relationship to the test...add allen wrenches and vague directions to the list. 

To learn more about relationship stress, click here. 

There's Even an App For That

Our friends at Durex (the condom company) have been hard at work. Check out their newest innovation, "Fundawear," below (warning: the first video is borderline NSFW).

What do you think? Is this a good idea?

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Facebook and Relationship Development: It’s Complicated (Part 1)

Whether you like it or not, Facebook has become a central part of young people’s lives: about 75% of adolescents and young adults (aged 12-24) in the United States are active users of Facebook.¹ As an important part of their day-to-day social interactions, Facebook reflects and plays a critical role in the development of young people’s romantic relationships. The importance of Facebook is illustrated by a recent paper published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,² which employed in-depth interviews and focus groups with 55 college students to gather their thoughts about Facebook’s role in relationship development. College students are typically heavy users of Facebook; this sample of students reported spending, on average, nearly 2.5 hours actively using Facebook each day (which is similar to the frequency reported in other studies).³ 

Based on these interviews, the researchers identified three themes that are relevant at different points of relationship development:

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Here Comes the Sun: How the Weather Affects Your Pick-Up Attempts

“Hello. I think you’re really pretty, and I was wondering if you would give me your phone number.” How would you respond to this request? If you’re a woman, your response may depend on the weather. French researchers found that undergraduate women responded more favorably to a male’s request for their phone number on sunny days compared to identical requests made on cloudy days. Importantly, the temperature and perceived attractiveness of the male did not influence phone number giving behavior. Is sunshine the hidden secret to women’s receptivity? Probably not. It’s more likely that anything that puts women in a positive mood will increase the likelihood of giving out their phone number.

Guéguen, N. (2013). Weather and courtship behavior: A quasi-experiment with the flirty sunshine. Social Influence, doi:10.1080/15534510.2012.752401